Rant of the Day

Bo Bice is really starting to piss me off. Every single performance is the same. He starts singing very slowly, almost ballad-like. Then with a whip of his long hair, he starts to rock out. EVERY SINGLE TIME! The worst part about him is he can NOT just carry the microphone with him. Oh no! He has to carry the stand ala Bon Jovi and Def Leopard. Actually I can't blame him because he is in his mid-30's. Please Bo, if you are listening, in your next song leave the microphone stand where it is. For the love of god.

Arrasian Foolishness - A Walk Through the Photo Evidence

Let's glance through some of the great photos inside my brother's photo album from this past weekend.

The Album
e-mail: dpa9@cornell.edu
password: fmcornell

Not the Catholic School Girls one! The Bachelor Party one! Gawd...

Picture #

2 - We came parading out after changing into these shirts in classic Arras family style. The only thing missing was a heavy rap beat and a random appearance of Chris Fyall.
5 - The closer my dad is to the green the more clubs he has with him at the time of the shot. I'd say here, with 3 clubs, he's about 50 yards out.
7 - Possibly the best picture I've ever taken.
12 - Note that the House of Fun's two main items seem to be bongs and magic mushrooms.
13 - Damn. I can't believe we didn't make a second walk out there. I blame Dan for dropping early on Saturday. (If you haven't, note that I'm making the same gesture as I did outside House of Fun. Aren't I hilarious?) Moments later, a buxom young blonde asked us to buy beer for her. Dan stopped to talk, but Brian and I basically ran away. As we did, Brian called back. "Hooters! We're going to Hooters!! Hooters!!!" Priceless. Did I mention the word "buxom?"
16 - If Mark raises his right arm right here, he's doing the exact same gesture from my "House of Fun/Whataburger series"
24 - I'm actually not taking this picture. I don't know why I stuck my arm out like that. Maybe I was about to break into the HoF/W gesture.
40ish - I just have to comment that following behind the Dan - Kowal - Caldwell threesome was one of the more surreal periods of the trip. Someone - usually Kowal - was always doing some kind of a dance. We could only assume it had something to do with Mrs. Featherbottom (everybody check out getarrested.com). Also probably the 12 beers and handle of rum they were carrying around. PS I take credit for the rum and cokes at 8am idea. All me.
60 - I wasn't the only one wearing shorts until Danny screwed me by running back and changing. At least I didn't shave.
61 - Haha! I just realized Kowal is making the exact same face in the background of 60!
63 - From this point on, Brian basically has the exact same face in every picture.
64 - Why the devil do I look so tiny? Weird.
79 -The best part is not ever Brian remembers where this girl came from.
91 -The guy in the Yankees cap was AWESOME at dancing. You can't really tell, but he's also the oldest guy in the bar. The man was a delight.
99 - The flip-flops were a pain, but also the fact that Dan has Andro-ed up to 200 lbs and I have "poor man's dieted" down to 165 (a number claimed by the scale in the Burns's basement that even I don't really believe.) Plus, I was having a little trouble walking perfectly straight myself. Just a little.
101 - One of the all-time GREATEST pictures EVER. I mean...wow. My favorite part is Brian seems to be genuinely enjoying their company in a fairly gentlemanly fashion.
117 - Again, the HoF/W gesture. There is snow out the window in Detriot. Snow.

Grinding it out in Tampa

For those of you who may not know, three of the team members EA, Paul, Dan were down in Tampa this past weekend for my brother's Bachelor Party. Here are a few of my favorite memories.

• Lots of booze, lots of golf, my only complaint was that there weren't more Arrested Development quotes.
• Who can forget the classic establishment Bare Assets...or as Tom Allen calls it "Bare Nessecities/Assessities".
• The first night at dinner where there was far too much reminiscing about Mark pissing himself and not enough Chris Farley as Dom Delouise impressions.
• Watching Paul "Pac-Man" Arras chug Captain Morgan's Rum at the third tee of Highlands North (roughly 8:21 am EST).
• The Weirdist Swing Thought of the Weekend Award: To myself for thinking about Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet for some reason.
• Somehow, someway, the band at Mark's wedding has to rock out some music of "The Game".
• The "Closest to the Pin" and "Longest Drive" contests with apparently no prizes attached.
• Best Dance Sequence goes to the Kowal/Caldwell/D.Arras imitation of G.O.B Bluth's Chicken dance...its difficult hitting your approach shot when there are three idiots clucking and jerking around on the tee behind the green. My personal favorite image of the weekend.
• Thank god for free nights and weekends right C-Bass.
• Tom Allen breaking a Ripken-esque streak of 15 years without a beer by taking down a few in Ybor City.
• Uncle Al's tragic intentional miss on the 18th of Highlands giving him one stroke more than was predicted.
• Who can forget that final night out drinking? Dan Arras that's who. Its difficult going to a strip club one night and then the next to a bar. I kept expecting hot girls to start taking their clothes off to the music, it was quite frustrating.

Obviously due to the heavy binge drinking I have left out or forgotten about some other classic memories. But I will always remember the great weekend and look forward to more of the same next month at the wedding.

With a Twist

Since when did an order of water automatically come with lemon? Shouldn' t the default water order be just water? Why do the restaurant executives think that every person ordering water thinks that a twist of lemon would make it that much better? People could be allergic to lemons or just not like the aftertaste. Some say that you can just pick the lemon out of the water and be OK. Well, thats just not true, because the slight hint of lemon in the water ruins it for anti-lemon advocates. I can understand if someone specifically requests "water with a lemon" but I will be in my cold, cold grave before I have to explain how I want just water without any fruit slice in it. I ask for a glass of water, the thought process should only lead to one conclusion - water...with some ice (which is frozen water). Also, sometimes when one person orders "water with a lemon" the waitress should not assume that the next person in the group wants a lemon too when they ask for just "water". The Lemon requester does not set a precedent that has to be followed by fellow water drinkers. What's next, Coke with lime? Come on!

Quarter Century

In lieu of my 25th birthday this Sunday, I have decided to make a list of the Top 25 moments in my life. To keep this non-gay, I will exclude any moments that I have ever had involving my girlfriend, pets or family moments that do not involve sports or boozing.

Without further ado, here are the top 25 moments of my life.

#25. The first time I used the word "Lieu" in a sentence. (4/16/05)

#24. Finding out that my crush on the lead singer of Hanson was "unnatural". (4/12/05)

#23. Drafting Brian Roberts in the 15th round and Dontrell Willis in the 19th in this past years baseball draft.

#22. Scoring my first double-eagle on Tiger Woods "02...3-wood from 276 yards out.

#21. Watching that one really smart guy win a million bucks on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire".

#20. Vaguely remembering the Chicago Bears 85-86 season when they became World Champs and created the Super Bowl Shuffle. I wore a McMahon headband for the next 2 years of my life.

#19. Throwing for a career-high 12 TDs in the classic Allen-Arras Thanksgiving Bowl '03 only to blow the final drive giving the Arras family its first victory in 17 years. I re-live that last drive every time my eyes close, it stings.

#18. Losing approximately 835 bucks on the Yankees four straight loses in the ALCS in 2004.

#17. Correctly calling Bill Ranzick as the winner of "The Apprenice" after only 4 weeks of shows.

#16. Wearing a wool-cap in my apartment at college for a Guiness Book record 39 straight hours.

#15. Throwing a one-hitter in the Little League All-star game prompting apt comparisons to a young Dave Righetti.

#14. Starting an "open-bar" atmosphere at the family Thanksgiving party back in 94 causing every single one of the underaged relatives to get obliterated off Whiskey and Wine, then unsuccessfully blaming it on Operation Desert Storm.

#13. Catching a home-run ball during the pre-game Diamondbacks batting practice last summer
in Chicago.

#12. Solving Contra without dying once. That Spread is lethal.

#11. Watching Craig Forth get subbed out for the final time at the Dome...we'll miss you Craig (sigh...followed by quiet sobbing).

#10. MXC....the best show about Asians performing wild stunts. The first time I saw this show, I pissed myself.

#9. Speaking of pissing myself, the 9th greatest moment of my life was when my older bro,Mark pissed himself on the Paris train leading to a three hour quest to find an apartment we have never been to due to the fact that we had to get off one stop early.

#8. Watching Chris Webber call time-out, looking to my buddy and asking him if 'we' had any timeouts left, him telling me that he was pretty sure we did not have any, me watching the ref call a technical foul on C-Webb, me weeping openly.

#7. Watching Ken Jennings dominate the Jeopardy Circuit ala Charles Van Dorn in the "Game Show".

#6. Getting visably upset over whether the host from the "Amazing Race" has an American accent or an Austrailan accent.

#5. Watching UNC beat Illinois to win the National Championship this year.

#4. Getting 7th row, center seats for a Dave Matthews concert, then gettng really drunk, blacking out and not remembering any part of the show.

#3. Winning 1241 bucks in a three hour span online playing poker.

#2. Getting drunk, tearing my calf muscle on the first of a seven-day cruise. Spring Break! YEAH!

#1 Making the "triple-cup" beer pong shot, resting a beer pong shot in the middle of three cups, causing the opponents to drink all three of the aforementioned cups.

Random Top Ten

A possible running feature might be random top ten lists, a unique and original concept I hope to perfect. Here goes my first one.

Top Ten Ideal StepFathers

Ok, my dad is great and I love him, but just for shits and giggles, here are my next ten in line.

10. Tom Brady...he must get laid all the time. Throw some action my way big daddy.
9. Bill Gates...two reasons A- money = happiness. B- incredibly fast porn downloads on really big computer monitors.
8. Andy Dick...the flaming homosexuality bothers me, but The Assistant remains one of the top reality shows of all time for me.
7. Howard Lederer AKA the Professor...gambling all the time is fun.
6. Will Arnett...Magic tricks, the scooter, Franklin the puppet..constant entertainment.
5. Mel Kiper, Jr...We could have one hell of a fantasy football team.
4. Jay-Z...perhaps the coolest person of all-time, plus he has so many knicknames - Young Hov, Jigga, Iceberg
3. Leslie Nielsen - Surely you can't be serious? Of course I'm serious. And don't call me Shirley.
2. Jesus Christ - Q - who better than our Lord and Savior?
1. Jay Bilas - A- the king of College Hoops...Duke alumni sure, but that would lead to heated debates on whether Joe Forte or Will Avery was the biggest NBA bust...good times

NES Game of the Week "Bases Loaded"

Or as I like to call it, "The Reason why my first child will be named Paste."

He was, and still is the most dominant hitter in any baseball game, even surpassing Ken Griffey Jr. in his self-titled PS2 game. I think Paste's line is something like .467, 67 homeruns and 198 RBI's. Walk him? Then you find yourself up against Bay with his 40 homeruns a year. What a dynamite duo! Reminds me of the old McGwire/Canseco 1-2 punch. Except Bay is black.

On to my review; remember we are judging on basic concept, glitches, re-playability, multi-player ability and influence on modern games.

Basic Concept
Baseball is a relatively boring game to watch..sorry, replace relatively with extremely. But playing the game can be entertaining. Nintendo gave us some great baseball games i.e. SNK Baseball Stars, RBI Baseball, Baseball Stimulator 2000 and the cream of the crop, Bases Loaded. Where else can you have legendary hitters like aforementioned Paste, Oko, Fendy, Agua and Norkus and not one memorable pitching ace? Seriously, this may be the most unrealistic of all baseball games and that could be the main reason why it is so much better than the rest. (15 out of 20, its just baseball, we aren't talking about saving the world from large spiders and a huge heart-shaped...heart)

Let's look at some of the great glitches in this game.
First off, you can pitch a no-hitter every game against the computer by following the process listed here. There is also the 100% chance of Roid Rage after you hit any of the clean-up hitters twice in one game.

Some of my favorite glitches include the home run bunt against the computer. With a little luck you can bunt the ball barely past the infield and, since the ball doesn't come to a complete stop until after it hits the wall, you can round the bases with ease as the outfielders chase very slowly after it. On defense, you can also wait until the ball hits the outfield wall, this causes the computer to run to second automatically and can be an easy putout.

The hidden racism is off the charts. There are latino and black hitters and pitchers, granted. But once the hitter makes contact, every fielder in the game becomes white. This blatant disregard for racial unity is rivaled only by the all-white crowd in Tecmo Bowl (which by the way, looks straight ahead then to the right, then repeats in unison...its hypnotic). (17 out of 20, you really have a distinct advantage over the computer if you know what you are doing)

Replayability
The incredibly long innings leads me to give the re-playability rating a measly 12 out of 20. There is nothing lightning quick about the graphics. Home run celebrations are drawn out as are pitching changes (who comes out of the bullpen in a golf cart these days?). You can easily see 22-12 games with 60 combined hits lasting hours. The password concept lets you build a "Franchise" until you kick your nintendo or accidentally blow too hard in the system and all data is erased. Overall, I can play this game about once every 36 hours and be extremely fulfilled.

Multi-player action.
This is a much better two player game especially if you have develop a Yankees-Red Sox type rivalry with one of your buddies. I remember back in college, I beat my roommate John a record 157 straight times. Needless to say, he is not very good at sport, nor hand-held gaming. If you are playing against a human opponent, it is almost impossible to strike anyone out bc the pitching is so slow and the catcher's mitt gives you a "heads-up' on pitch location. Other than that, this is a great two player game (16 out of 20)

Influence
All recent baseball games are incredibly life-like and carry little to no BL-based traits. That being said, any game that incorporates bean brawls, home run celebrations where people pat their knees and wave their hands in the air, and a pinch hitter named Romeo with a porn mustache has to claim some credit for the modern day game. (16 out of 20...I am starting to feel like Stat Boy on Around the Horn, just randomly assigning points for no good reason...its fun though).

Overall: since we are talking about baseball, the score can't be too high. (76 out of 100) For what its worth*, the next best baseball game for NES would probably rate no higher than 40 on my fictional scale.

* - probably not that much

"In the Most Delicious Way"

"Hum-diddle-diddle-diddle, hum-diddle-eye, hum-diddle-diddle-diddle, hum-diddle-eye"

-Feledia Featherbottom (from Blackstool, England).


I love Arrested Development.

Random Thought

Never say the phrase "Hitler sure had some good ideas" without having a well-thought explanation to back it up.

Coco Crisp

So I draft Coco in the late late rounds of my fantasy baseball draft and the first two games he goes 1-9. I decide yesterday to drop him for an up and coming lad by the name of Swisher on Oakland. Crisp goes on to bat 4-7 with a homer, 2 runs and 2 rbis, prompting me to re-sign him and drop Swisher. THAT is why I love fantasy sports! First off, because that could never happen in real life. A drop/add followed by an add/drop in the same day involving the same players. And secondly, because I actually think that my dropping Crisp, made him so angry and motivated that he went out and had the game of his life. Now, he is back in my lineup and I will never drop him again.

Impeach Hickman!

Espn should take an Insta-poll on "Least Favorite ESPN Shows". I am pretty sure "Sportscenter Hosted by Fred Hickman" would come in dead last, even behind "Women's Luge" and "Men's Figure Skating". He reminds me of Bob Eucker's sidekick on "Major League". After Eucker passes out from too much drinking, the sidekick steps in. He describes a hard-hit line drive caught by a diving second baseman as "Pop fly.........caught." Classic Hickman-esque monotony.

Today, he compared Wilkerson hitting for the cycle in back to back games to someone winning the Powerball lottery twice in a row. It is an incredible feat to hit for the cycle twice but I am pretty sure the odds of winning the lottery twice are in the trillions to one. Then again, I did compare my brother to the black women who is creditted with starting the Civil Rights Movement. So maybe I am not the greatest judge of comparisons.

(Ed. Note-Wilkerson hit for the cycle twice in his career, not in back-to-back games as EA has claimed. Now that would be ridiculous. Still, Hickman is not good.)

I would be curious as to other people's opinions about Hickman and seeing as how anyone who reads this is most likely a sports enthusiast, I should get several comments. It could be that I am just a horrible evaluator of talent. For example, every American Idol that I see, I always think Anthony Federov is tremendous, but then even Paula says he is horrible.

Speaking of random Syracuse basketball stories, I am pretty sure that the lady who plays Dr. Malfoy (Lorraine Bracco?) on the Sopranos is dating Jason Cippola. I saw their picture in a magazine and the caption described Jason as a "former college basketball player" which is very sad.

Apt Analogies

One of the proudest achievements in my nearly 25 years has got to be my email address. ea20@yahoo.com. What's so special about this? Well, its not flashy. It is not funny in any way. But damn is it simple. And the fact that both Kevin (km04) and I signed up on yahoo before it was "cool" makes it all the more brilliant. Go ahead, try to create a yahoo name that is as simple or simpler. It is impossible. For example, let's say Joe Smith tried to get js10@yahoo.com. He would probably have to settle for something like js10_10js_1010@yahoo.com. Its like Kevin and I were the first ones to realize that we could have a free electronic mail service at yahoo. I compare it to Zack Morris being the first person in the history of mankind to carry a cell phone around at all times. Now everyone has a cell. What an apt analogy!

And speaking of apt analogies, my brother Mark being the first reader to actually sign our guestbook was a very bold and powerful expression of his love for this blog. He is the modern day "Rosa Parks", a theory I tested out on some of my African American friends here at work. They didn't seem to get the similarities. Both have taken wildly unpopular positions in American culture. Mark with stepping forward and publicly claiming that he reads our blog. Rosa bringing the concept that all races should be treated equally especially when it comes to public transportation seating charts. Both faced equally harsh punishments. Mark, undoubtingly getting harrassed and spit upon at work and home for being part of such a lackluster website. Rosa I believe might have gotten lynched, I'll have to check up on that.

Both proud Americans, both legends in their own right. We here at Random Thoughts salute you Mark! And encourage others to follow in this brave man's footsteps.

National Champs = UNC

Finally, my Tar Heels are crowned National Champions! I never thought it would happen in my lifetime. Well....technically they already won championships in 93 and 81. But this is the first time I was able to get boozed up and bet on the game, which made it that much more enjoyable. After several phone calls of congratulations, I started to reflect on the season and how much I am going to miss watching this fantastic team. Let's hope everyone stays around. McCants is almost certainly leaving and I wish him luck in the NBA with the Trailblazers. Felton may be gone and so might Marvin. May says he is staying and I believe him. They could repeat, take it to the bank. You heard it here first!

Back to last night:
What was my faorite moment of the night? It might have been watching Illinois miss 28 three pointers. Sean May made all but one of his 11 shots proving how dominant he really is. But for me, the favorite moment of my night came around 2 in the morning when I drunk-dialed my girlfriend only to find out that I dialed her parents home waking up them up. What an idiot!

Now that college hoops is over, it's time for me to focus on less important things. Like my fantasy baseball team and my unfortunate secound round pick up of Eric Gagne. Apparently, the "disabled list" rhymes with Gagne....haha you really have to love Linda Cohn to get that joke. By the way, my fourth round pick was Adam Dunn, look for 50+ homers and 200+ strikeouts.

Arrasian Foolishness - Live From the Game (in my living room)

Illinois is making a little run, but UNC is really dominating. I think it's safe to say, with 15 minutes to go, that this one is over. Tar Heels win the championship. Roy Williams gets his first title. I win Andrew Waite's pool, my first ever pool victory. Start the buses.

Yes, I'm trying to jinx UNC. Yes, I'm rooting against them even though I have money riding on them. They're the Tar Heels. I hate them like I hate UConn, Kensucky, and Chevon Troutman.

So mark it down. This one is over. Congratulations, Eric.

(I really hope you hate reading this post after UNC losses. Ha ha, maybe I'll pull a Mark and give you a call so we can discuss it in person.)

---UPDATED 11:17 pm EST, 2 minutes to go---

OK, I feel a little bad about that last post. Let me say a couple things.

-UNC is the most talented team in the tourney.
-Sean May is the best player
-Ray Felton is the best guard on the court. I'm serious.
-Jawad Williams is a great 3rd/4th option senior a la Kueth Duany. (Obviously, better than Duany, but UNC has more talent than SU did.)
-McCants is insane and if I'm UNC I don't want him taking the last shot, but he still scares me if I'm Illinois.

Whatever happens from here, I'll grant UNC all those things. 50 seconds left now. Somewhere, Eric is drinking.

Pick of the Day April 4th

It is here. UNC in the final game. This could be the happiest day of my life or the saddest. I know one thing for a fact, it will be one of my drunkest. After this, there is nothing for me to look forward to. Sure the Masters is next weekend, World Cup qualifiers, and so on. But until the NFL starts, I can't really see myself getting up for a sporting event that I am not actually particiapting in. So here is my pick of the day...it should come as no suprise.

UNC (-2) v Illinios.

The X Factor for me is if the Williams boys score 35+. They will win if they do, lose if they dont.

Roy Williams

He is a bad coach.....Bottom line. UNC is down 5 at the half, Sean May has about 3 touches all half. He leads the tournament in scoring. Melvin Scott is 0-19 from behind the arc...the NBA arc by the way. I think he is pushing for a lottery draft spot. The JV squad was out there for the last 3 minutes of the half, I think Tubby Smith was giving Williams advice on the sidelines. Remember when he kept Chuck Hayes and Pat Sparks on the bench during OT because of foul trouble. I think he was "saving" them for the 2nd OT. It makes no sense to me, I have been typing for the entire half-time show and don't think that I have one entertaining line in there. But irregardless, I hate UNC and I hate the Big Ten. I also hate Molson, for making such clever twin-label phrases, causing me to drink more and more and more. The last beer label I had was "Never take the over in Final Four matches".

Well done Molson, well done.

Break out the Dueling Gloves!

Remember when I said that the Big Ten should be considered a mid-major? Well, I was wrong, the Big Ten is fantastic, now occupying half of the final rour slots. Here is an excerpt from that post.

" Mich. St is in the top 10 with approximately zero good wins (top 25 RPI wins) and only two top 50 RPI victories against Stanford (neutral court) and at home vs UCLA. Tell me that is a resume for a top 10 team and I will slap in you in the face with my dueling glove."

Whoops, the ultimate kick in the groin would be if the Spartans take down my beloved Tar Heels tonight. Ideally, UNC would face off against Illinois on Monday night, pitting the two consensus top teams in the final game of the tournament. And that would be one of the greatest days of my life.

Anyways, great last post by Paul, I loved every minute of it. For the record, we have approximately 10-30 returning visitors on our site each day according to our counter. So our readers are a small yet fiercely loyal.

Here are my two picks for tonights Final Four.

Illinios (-3) v Louisville
UNC(-4.5) v Mich St.

Arrasian Foolishness: April Fools Ideas

I've had a good April Fools day. Lot's of funny pranks and hoaxes played on the people I love. I'm insanely good at this holliday, so I thought I'd impart some of my wisdom on you, loyal readers, as another April 1st fades into memory.

(Do we actually have any loyal readers? Or do Kevin, Eric, Dan and I just check this blog 50 times a day, accounting for the thousands of hits we've apparently had. Like, 2 people have posted comments, and no one signs our guestbook. Maybe all our readers lack keyboards.)

GOOD APRIL FOOLS JOKES

• While your friend is sleeping, sneak into their room and glue all their stuff, furniture and everything, to the ceiling, and flip all their posters upside down. Then when they wake up, they'll think THEY are the ones on the ceiling and they'll be afraid to get out of bed, so they'll miss work and get fired. APRIL FOOLS!
• Cut your friend's car breaks so they get into an accident on the way to work and have to go to the hospital. Again, they'll miss work and get fired. APRIL FOOLS!
• Put lots of Ex-Lax in their breakfast. Then steal all the toilets in their house and barricade them indoors. They'll be too smelly to go back to work for a week. Surely, their boss will fire them. APRIL FOOLS!
• Shoot your friend in the knee cap. APRIL FOOLS!
• Memo to self: when Fyall goes to sleep tonight, go into his room, scream "APRIL FOOLS!" and pee on him!

(Correction: please ignore the "Memo to self" part. Also, please substitute "your friend" for "Fyall" and "tonight" for "April Fool's Eve.")

• The DeShaun Williams special: sleep with the girlfriend of your teammate - and the star - on your basketball team. APRIL FOOLS!
• Eat a grape from the produce section of Wegman's without paying for it. APRIL FOOLS!
• Get your friend fired from his job. APRIL FOOLS!
• And my personal favorite...shoot your friend in the knee cap so he gets fired from his job! APRIL FOOLS!

Ah, good stuff! We all need a good chuckle now and then. That's why I love April Fools day!

Tribute to Mitch

On Wed. morning of this week, Mitch Hedburg passed away. He was one of my all-time favorite stand-up comics and he will be missed. Here are a few of my favorite one-liners from this great man.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

click on the title of the post to read more.