The Weekly Grind - 10.28

No questions from readers this week *deep sigh* but I will share my thoughts about certain things because I know most of you are interested. First and foremost, let me say that the Masterlock presents "EA's Lock of the Week" portion of last week's column was tremendously unpopular with some of my gambling friends, most of whom bet heavy on the Bills due to the fact that I was sure the Raiders would cover (-3) which they did by an astounding 18 points. So maybe my 25 year string of bad luck has ended. So this week, the "Lock" goes to the winless Texans (-2) who I believe should get their first win this year behind a ridiculously solid performance by Dom Davis. Take it to the bank! Booyah! Additional cliche'd phrase!


Secondly, the IM debate rages on in some circles of the country and I have no particular comment about it. Though I will say, while it is an effective communicating tool for those friends and/or co workers who live far away, the instant message is grossly overused and is contributing to the downfall of society. I realize people don't want to waste their precious cell phone minutes but lets please get back into the habit of talking to each other on the phone. Is that too much to ask?

Speaking of cell phones, is there anything more annoying than someone talking on their cell phone while ordering food in line ( or on line for you downstate NYers)?

The Bears play the Lions this weekend and bragging rights will once again be at stake between EA and Sky. Quick recap of the first game this season back in week 2. The Bears 38, Lions 6. Detroit really only had one play this whole game, a 51 yd toss to Roy Williams. They humerously had the extra point blocked and got deuched the rest of the game. Expect similar deuching in a Chicago victory 21-7.

To cap off this less than adequate post, I'm giving you my fantasy studs and duds this weekend.

Studs
1 - The aforementioned Domanick Davis
2 - Aaron Brooks of the L.A Saints
3 - Thomas Jones...Houshmandzadeh. hahaha but seriously T.J Houshmandzadeh is my answer

Duds
1- No big suprise here, Jamal Lewis/Kevin Jones will tie for shittiest first round fantasy picks ever.
2 - Magahee - What you talking about Willis? Call me crazy but expect New England to shut him down and win this game possibly by a score of 87-2
3 - Tomlinson - the guy is washed up...what did he have 7 yards last week? trade him while his value is high fantasy owners.

Thats all I got, I blame my unfunniness on the cold weather and the looming darkness that winter brings. Happy Halloween everyone! Take care.

IMer Etiquette

At what point do I no longer have to say goodbye to someone who I haven't IMed in a few minutes? 5 minutes? 10 minutes? I'm going on 12 minutes here since the last IM, and it just seems awkward at this point to toss in a "see ya later."

Now let's say it's my girlfriend. Then the goodbye is mandatory, right? That's an easy one.

Does it matter if the conversation was really deep and emotional? Let's say I just talked someone out of jumping off a building. Do I owe them a "take it easy" 15 minutes after they IMed me "OK, I'm off the ledge and I'm going to have the courage to face up to my mistakes" or can I just put up an away message?

Does it matter if I was the last one to IM? If their last IM was 5 minutes ago and concluded a conversation, I'm ok tossing up an away message and getting on with my life. But what if my last IM was "you really should stop using heavy machinery while binge drinking" and Dan hasn't responded in 5 minutes? Do I have to wait around for a response? I'm doing him a favor by having the conversation in the first place, right? I think so...

I'm putting up an away message.

Running Diary: NFL Pregame

Seems like a good idea...let's see where it goes.

11:00 - Wake up. Pre games show start now.
11:15 - Check Random Thoughts.
11:26 - Decide to do a running diary of the pre-game shows. Turn on pre-game shows. If I were actually a journalist, I would lie and say I was watching the first 25 minutes. But I'm just a humorist, so we can all laugh about it together.

11:26 - I got a pint of chocolate milk last night, drank a little bit of it, then was too tired to take it to the fridge before I went to sleep. Is it still ok to drink now? Answer: we'll find out! If drinking really old but not quite spoiled milk was a job, I'd be a millionaire. Same thing with sushi that has been sitting out all day at Wegmans, which I ate last night at 11:00.

11:30 - Boomer's voice gets my attention on ESPN. There's like 3 guys who were born to do football broadcasting. The guy from NFL films, Howard Cosell, and Chris Berman.

11:31 - Hahaha! Looooove boat! Soon we'll be making another runnnn! Vikings...

11:32 - I think the chocolate in the milk blocks the spoiled taste. Nothing I can do about the warmness.

11:34 - The ESPN voice says there's plenty more on the Vikings ahead...I'm switching channels.

11:37 - Wait...the Fox and CBS pre-games don't start until noon. Unless Fox has a new show with a 60 year old woman with crazy hair, a zebra shirt, and matching earings, and a guy who kinda looks like the guy on Cold Pizza, a show I still refuse to watch. Did anyone understand that sentence? Let's press on.

11:39 - Thank God I turned back to the master, ESPN! Madden is on! He would make the hug list, except I think he's a blithering idiot who brings nothing to the table. Why does everyone hate Dick Vitale and love John Madden?

11:44 - Arright, count me in for the Chad Johnson bandwagon. He's loveable-crazy like T.O.

11:55 - Hey! They're replaying the Syracuse game on TimeWarnerSports!

11:56 - That's the most SU football I've watched all year. They gave up a TD, by the way. Thank Boeheim for the Glory Years of Syracuse Basketball!

12:00 - Perfect time for a Tomlinson package. Until Peyton starts ripping off Super Bowls, Tomlinson is the greatest player in the world. Can Marty Schottenheimer be shot if he ever gives Ladanian the ball less than 20 times again?

12:04 - I think Mort lives in that little box studio. He'd be huggable if he was doing the same job as a 75-year-old. Oh wow...I just had an image of John Clayton doing his job at 75! He's borderline huggable now! He might break the chart!

12:06 - Here's the Vikings package they keep teasing. NOW I'm changing to Fox.

12:06 - And...Fox is still annoying. Tony Siragusa still works there.

12:07 - Bulger - OUT. Holt - OUT. Bruce - OUT. Martz - OUT. Prediction: the Rams aren't making the playoffs this year.

12:08 - Garcia or Harrington...Garcia! I'm playing him this week baby! Gotta make that change now... Garcia for Harrington, Harrington dropped for Hakim, Hakim in for Horn. If you're wondering, this is the 20 team league. OK, now I have to reference Dan's all-time funniest joke (that was your own, right Dan?)... If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, then Jeff Garcia is a homosexual.

12:13 - Daunte Culpepper broken down now on Fox. This is why I don't spend high draft picks on QBs: for the sake of my sanity. Instead, in the middle of the year I pick up a guy who wants to be Mike Piazza's roommate.

12:16 - DirecTV apparent thinks it's the 50s. They're jingle is: "Somebody up there loves you! DirecTV!!!!!"

12:17 - Switched to ESPN in time to see the King dunk a football on a goalpost. How great is this ad campaign? What are they going to do for the Super Bowl? Did anyone else just own themselves thinking about it?

12:20 - Shannon Sharpe has been talking for 10 minutes straight on CBS...the Pats O-Line is advertising Visa on Fox...back to ESPN! Ahhh...Steve Young!

12:22 - According to Steve, the Broncos have a "no-interception philosophy." Apparently, Mike Shannahan attended the famous 2004 Arras-Allen Bowl when I employed that game plan in a stunning upset.

12:26 - The guys think Ricky needs more carries. They also think I need to slowly build my blogging back up. They don't agree with me going all out on my 2nd blog back from my world tour hiatus.

12:34 - Mayne Event on the King! You WISH you were watching!

12:37 - Shannon Sharpe says Chester Taylor should get more carries than Jamal. I picked up Chester during the week in one of my leagues...did YOU????

12:44 - Terry Bradshaw appears to be high right now. That actually explains a lot.

12:59 - The Trunk Monkey ad seems like a good place to end. You guys get these ads in Rochester? Possibly the funniest gimic for a local dealer I've ever seen. The monkey just came out of the trunk and beat up some kids for throwing eggs at the guy's car. The only way it'd be better was if he was carrying the disease from Outbreak.

1:00 - Football starts. I'm outta here.

The Weekly Grind 10.21

Wow! What a magnanimous response to the Weekly Grind! We literally had dozens of emails to pick through to find the right questions to answer. That is our excuse at least for bring the Grind a day later than last week. That and the fact that S_K_Y has been out of the office this past week and cannot contribute.

That said, let's get down to the questions. If we don't tackle your queries today, rest assured we will get to them next week or at least hope that you forgot you asked anything to begin with.

"Where does Will Arnett (GOB of Arrested Development) rank on your list of all-time best supporting actors in a comedic role (TV or Movie)? I have him #2, ahead of Owen Wilson in 'Meet The Parents' but slighly behind the great, late Christopher Hewett of Mr. Belvedere." - Mark, Chicago

EA- Well Mark, technically Christopher Hewitt, or C-Tits as he liked to be called on the set, is a "lead" actor not a supporting actor so he doesnt make the Random Thoughts Top 5 list of greatest supporting actors of all time. Here is who does though:
Honorable Mention goes to Chris Elliot - Woogie from "There is Something about Mary". Tell me you don't flog the dolphin before you go out on a date.
5) Morgan Freeman- every single movie he narrates- Million Dollar Baby, Shawshank Redemption, The Morgan Freeman Story. Brilliant work.
4) George Costanza - Seinfeld -not really sure what his real name is, but man was he hilarious.
3) Owen Wilson - Meet the Parents/Fockers - Probably the most underrated scene of his movie career is when he is playing the fife at the end of Fockers...I still laugh about that one. He also was great in Tenenbaums and Life Aquatic. Richie (Luke Wilson) "Did you say you were on Mescaline?" Eli (Owen) "I did indeed. Very much so."
2) George Oscar Bluth AKA G.O.B.- Arrested Development- Overacting normally is a bad thing but Will Arnett nails the GOB character. The magician, the electric scooter, the Aztec tomb..."Lets deal some drugs!".
1) Will Ferrell - Any movie involving Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson or Vince Vaughn. Lets think, Zoolander, Austin Powers, Starsky and Hutch, Wedding Crashers, Old School...all hilarious performances in a sidekick role. As Lead in a movie he has fared a bit worse...Kicking and Screaming, Superstar, Bewitched, Night at the Roxburys.....thank god for Anchorman right?

That was a very far reaching question, one that perhaps needs its own column Mark. But hopefully our list provided you with some insight on how we think.

I'm not sure there's ever been somebody so clutch who I place so little faith in. -- I cannot shake Chris Burke's resemblance to SNL's Chris Kattan, and it's wrecking Burke for me. I keep expecting Burke to whip out an apple, and chew it like a damn idiot, or step to the plate with a girl's scout uniform or prance around like a fairy. I'm dying. I'm embarrassed and debilitated. It's ruining the Astros, who I'd love to root for. What can I do? - Chris, Syracuse

EA - You guys want some cookies? That is one heck of a point by the way. I have stopped watching baseball since the regular season, and by no coincidence of its own, the end of the fantasy season but when I saw your question I decided to check out game 6 of the NLCS Thursday Night. And he really does look like Chris Kattan. I was waiting for him to jump into Phil Garner's arms and have Garner yell "Peepers NO! Peepers NO!" a la Will Ferrell. It didn't happen and the Astros ended up winning so I guess in regards to your question Chris, you can probably just root for the 'Stros and keep the Kattan comments to yourself.

One thing I like to do when I read your blog is to check out the time stamp when you post. How exactly do you spend your time at work? (I am referencing EA and SKY because we both know Dan and Paul don't actually work.) My second question is just how big of a man crush do you all have on Bill Simmons? I would appreciate a quick response, Paul's last post slightly concerns me, I'd like to move on. Your Loyal Fan,Liz - London, England

EA - For the record, Bill Simmons is AWESOME! And our "man crush" as you put it, is huge. But it's not as huge as our "crush" on Jay Bilas, Dick Vitale or Roy Williams as you will soon see. Secondly, both SKY and myself use our lunch breaks and other work-designated breaks to post our various clever remarks..never on company time is our motto.

"Hey guys, what the hell ever happend to Bone Thugs N Harmony?" - Ray-kwon - Bronx, NY

EA - They all became auctioneers. ba dum ching! Seriously they are all enjoying slightly successful solo careers. There was a brief period where they added like 20 members to become Mo' Thugs but I am pretty sure they are out on their own now. The memory of Bone lives on however. For those of you who were in high school during the mid 90's, I am sure you will always remember the Crossroads as a Bone Thugs hit, not a crappy movie with Britney Spears. Thuggish Ruggish Bone was great too.

" EA, you are a degenarate gambler who always loses right? Can you please give us readers your "lock" of the week so we can bet the exact opposite and have a guarenteed winner? Thanks for your help jackass! - Russ - Reno, NV

EA- Don't sugarcoat it for me, tell me how you really feel Russ. Geez that was harsh but make no mistake about it, it was also very true. Like that really fat guy from "Lost" I just bring bad luck to everything I touch. That said, here is my Masterlock presents "EA's Lock of the Week". This Sunday I am taking the Oakland Raiders (-3) at home versus the Bills. There you go Russ, I virtually guarenteed victory for Buffalo, enjoy your winnings!

"Where the hell has Pauly been? He is the only funny one out of the four of you idiots and without him, your blog would be "pure garbage". - Paul - New Delhi, India.

EA- International readers, I love it! Unless this is actually Pauly asking a question about himself which he is known to do. Pauly just recently posted a quality poll on the Top 5 people that he would like to hug. Brilliant! Before that though, his Ricky Williams-esque absence from the blog cant really be explained. He told us just the other day that he was "happy with himself and that is all that truly matters". Look for an resurgence of Pauly come winter time when he tries to explain the intricacies of MAAC hoops.


Thats all the time I have for this week. Keep the questions coming. ea20@yahoo.com

Top 5 People I Want to Hug in TV Sports

5. Bill Raferty - Don't know the words he's using, but they touch my soul.
4. Peter Gammons - His prognostications are more often wrong than right, but he makes them from the heart, God bless him!
3. Jim Gray - Sassy!!
2. Lou Holtz - What a darling little old man!
1. Dick Vitale - A controversial pick, I'm sure, but his emotions are genuine, and I will love him to the day I die.

"The Weekly Grind"

Ladies and Gentlemen,
We here at Random Thoughts are delighted to introduce yet another weekly column. And no, this will not be a weekly column that gets scrapped after one week i.e. Shoot Me an Email and Fantasy Chat. I think we have a pretty good idea here. Original? Not in the least. But we have decided to let our readers actively participate in our blogging material. Once a week, usually Thursday or Friday, S_K_Y and EA will be taking readers emails and answering them. To successfully do this of course, we need you guys to send us your questions. How you ask? On the home page, click my name EA under Contributors and then click on the email icon under Contact. And there you have it. So keep those emails coming and remember, there are no stupid questions just stupid people. Also, feel free to ask or comment about anything you wish. No subject is too taboo. Its nice that there are so little of you readers out there so we should be able to incorporate your emails in our weekly posts. Unlike those other "popular" blogs.

With that said, we were fortunate enough to receive a few emails this week and we will now grind out some answers.


"Hey guys why does your blog suck so much lately?" - Guy, Toronto.

EA - Well Guy, if thats your real name, it sucks for a wide variety of reasons. First and foremost, it sucks because during the summer, we here at Random Thoughts like to go out and enjoy the warm weather. While you are sitting at home looking up porn sites, playing Magic with your fellow Canucks, listening to the Bare Naked Ladies and Alanis Morrisette, and thinking about hockey, we were out golfing, drinking, and golfing while drinking. The point is, it is much easier to put up a good blog when you are inside hiding from the cold weather and staring at your computer. Secondly, and possibly most importantly, this is a site dedicated to sports and while baseball is technically America's past time ( I believe its called stickball in Canada), it is boring and uninspiring for daily blog-prose. Now that the NFL, College football and the upcoming College Hoops season are here, the ideas are coming at us quicker than you can say "Dick Vitale". Lastly, with the hurricane disaster and war in Iraq, laughter and humerous thoughts about Big League Chew and string cheese took a backseat to caring and love. But now that those events have passed (wait, we can't still be in Iraq, can we?), we can focus on making our reader(s) happy with constant idiotic blabbering about why Nintendo games are awesome. So keep checking our stuff out, hopefully you will upgrade our blog from "sucks" to "mildly readable".


"Hey sky, I have a two part question. First...Who are you supporting in the World Series now that your precious Red Sox have been eliminated? And secondly, are you going to go back in the closet like 90% of the other Red Sox fans and not be seen until the Sox win another Series?" - Mike- Bronx, NY

S_K_Y - Thats cute, real cute Mike. Well now that the Sox are out of the playoffs, I am rooting for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California of America of North America of the American Tectonic Plate of Earth. I am rooting for them because (as a Sox fan) I am bound by common law to root for whoever plays against the Yankees. Hey by the way, nice series douchebag. Hideki Matsui, or as I refer to him 'Piston Honda' really came thru there in the clutch. Now that they beat the Yankees I don't give a shit about the Angels. Sidenote - that called 3rd strike/run to first base was insanely bad. Fuck Chicago. Chicago is my new NY.

Regarding whether or not I go back in the closet is still up in the air right now. I have to give it some time before I bust out the Red Sox hat. Now that the Yankees are out of the playoffs balance has been restored to the Universe, so I should ask YOU the same question about hiding in the closet *cough*youhaveaveryexpensivepayroll*cough*. Baseball is over for me now, so I can focus on football and hockey.

Anyways, thanks for the question Mike and watch out for those fizzing soda cans on the F Train!

" I know you guys like sports, but have you heard of this fantasy football phenomenon thats been spreading? Apparently you pick real players who join your fictional team and you play against other people for pretend or "fantasy" points. Its pretty cool!!! Well, I need some advice about my lineup. We start two running backs in my league, can you pick two? I have Tomlinson, Droughns and Fred Taylor? Help is needed!" - Chuck - Fargo, ND

EA - Wow Charles, is everyone in North Dakota twenty years behind. You know they have these things called automobiles or "horseless carriages" now. Look into it and get out of your house every once in a while. Yes of course we know about fantasy football. In fact, I have seven teams that I am currently managing to sub-par seasons. So though I would hardly call myself an expert, I do read a lot of "expert" columnists and should be able to indirectly plagiarize answers to your fantasy questions.

You need never ask whether to start LT for he is a man against boys. In fact, I would consider starting him on his bye week over lesser options like Shipp or Barlow. As for your second back, its a toss up between Droughns against the Ravens D or Taylor against the Steel Curtain. I would have to give the nod to Droughns as a simliarly shitty Kevin Jones ran all over Baltimore last week. Of course, that could have had something to do with half of them assaulting referees and getting tossed out of the game but regardless, start Droughns in what should be an exciting 10- 6 shootout!

"Guys, Fact or Fiction...the Chicago Bears will win the NFC North this year?" - Rex G.- Springfield, IL.

EA - Maybe if you were still starting at QB buddy. What season ending injury are you going to choose to have happen to you next preseason? I like "torn achilles tendon" as the early favorite. Seriously though, we have a great defense that will keep us in games and since every other NFC North team sucks, why can't the Bears win it? And please in the future, say Non-Fiction or False...copyright infringement laws prohibit us from using Fact or Fiction.^

S_K_Y - Clap...Clap...Clap. (sarcastically) The Bears suck! Go Lions wohoo!!!!

EA - Good valid precise argument there SKY. I am sure that the McQuarters/Bly duo at wide receiver has opposing defenses shaking in their cleats. Now THATS sarcasm.

^ - Fact or Fiction is a registered copyright of ESPN.


All right thats it for the Weekly Grind. Tune in next Thursday when our thoughts and comments are entirely dictated by what our readers. The excitement is palpable!

Quick Question

Are people really posting comments on our blog just to advertise their websites? If so...that is freaking awesome! Recognition is finally here! Yes!

EA's NHL Preview 05-06

Wow! Has it really been a year already?! I feel like it was only a few months ago when I was watching the Lightning of Tampa Bay hoist Lord Stanley's cup. Wait, hold on a minute. I am remembering a few things now...Roenick was telling us to kiss his ass for some reason...Joe Thorton signed with some Swedish team...Brett Hull was pondering retirement...tell me this wasn't some horrible dream. Did we really miss an entire season of hockey?

The answer of course is no. No one really "missed" hockey, it just wasn't there. Barry Melrose took a year off to comb his mullet and the Players Assoc and Owners engaged in a figurative chess match of negotiating only to end up with a clusterfuck of confusion. Who really won? The owners? The players? Me..for not losing my shirt gambling on home underdogs during the playoffs? I am not sure what the answer is. But the result was clear: Hockey is back! And it may or may not be better than ever!

Let me be honest, I had a feeling that this would be a tough column when I found out that my sleeper team to make the playoffs, the Minnesota NorthStars, had been out of the league since '93. But some anonymous reader subtely requested a post about the NHL and we here at Random Thoughts will never let our peeople down. So after many hours of research, we (mainly EA) have come up with the top 10 Expectations of the First Season of NHL after the Lockout...or TTEOTFSONATL for short.

Drum roll please.........

10) Canadians will get overly excited about the Maple Leafs chance at the title this year. Seriously, I was trying to figure out an American equivalent and it was difficult. We don't really think our Men's Ping Pong players will ever take the gold in the Olympics, do we?

9) The debate rages on: Is Jerome Iginla really black? I am not racist, but if black people ever find out that they can dominate hockey as easy as football, basketball etc, what chance is there for the white guys? Only one black guy has tried the game of golf professionally and look at how good he is doing.

8) The Detroit Red Wings will get upset in the first round of the playoffs. To say the Red Wings are old is like saying George Bush is a great president. Ba-dum ching! But seriously, the Wings still have Chris Chelios which is like the Jets bringing back Vinny T to start at QB..oh wait that actually happened. You get my point.

7) Little children around the nation will entertain crowds by trying to skate around and play hockey. I always like boo-ing that one really good kid that is clearly years older than everyone else and is skating around them like Gordon Bombay before he missed that penalty shot for the Hawks.

6) Shootouts Galore! I know what you're thinking...how does this effect my over/under bets? Well to be honest I am not sure. But regardless, the 0-0 ties will now result in exciting penalty shootouts and teams will no longer be 32-30-20. On a side note, other rule changes may or may not effect play.

5) People everywhere will make up funny top ten lists about the NHL season, only to realize mid-way through, that they don't have nearly enough things to say about it.

4) Carolina, due to the increasing sensitivity over Hurrican Katrina and Rita, will change their name to a more politically correct Carolina Hockey Guys.

3) Fantasy football owners will become increasingly frustrated with the fact that they now have to watch all the NHL scores on ESPN's bottom line before they get to find out how many rushing yards Corey Dillon had.

2) Those funny Canadian guys from that one beer commercial will be back and better than ever.

1) The regular season will end at some point during Mid-April. The playoffs will end three months later. Could you imagine if they changed March Madness and made each game a 3-game series? Thats what the hockey playoffs feel like. What do the Stanley Cup winners get...like 2 weeks off before they have to report to training camp? Does each team make the playoffs? Come on!

Thats all I got for you hockey fans. Hope it was entertaining because I am pretty sure it wasn't informative in the least.

Random Thought 10/4

When you are tired of listening to someone, instead of saying "Shut the hell up", try telling that person to "stop flapping their gums". It is much more effective.

While we are on the subject, I think it would be really funny if, during one of the many meetings at work, you whipped out some Big League Chew, put a huge pinch in your mouth and started chomping away. This would also be humerous during a job interview.